Stop self-criticism?

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Many people have a hard time being excessively self-negative. Instead of seeing their successes or virtues, they tend to see only their failures or disadvantages. Some people feel like they have a constant negative “script” in their head about how they are messing things up, or they can’t look in the mirror without immediately seeing too big hips, or bad teeth, or many other things that most people doesn’t even notice. Since this type of negative self-talk can be detrimental to your happiness and emotional well-being, it’s a good idea to find ways to stop being self-critical.

It’s easy to say, but is it easy to do? It can actually take some time and practice to stop self-criticism and learn to accept more of who you are at any given moment. It often starts with practice and learning to ignore the more negative self-talk that can be chattering to us when we evaluate ourselves. Sometimes self-criticism is so deeply ingrained in our core belief structure, that we don’t even realize that we are constantly operating under thoughts and feelings that are essentially negative and destructive. When this is constant and not occasional, therapy is a great option. In guided therapy sessions with an experienced cognitive behavioral therapist, you can stop being self-critical through a variety of hands-on exercises.

Many of us experience only mild to moderate self-criticism and would like to see this end. It is debatable whether therapy is necessary for the occasional self-criticism. Instead many people work on this topic on their own and find ways to stop being self-critical on their own. The first rule to start this job is a sort of “golden rule” in reverse. “Treat yourself as you would like others to treat you and treat yourself as you would like to treat others.” Notice that we often criticize ourselves for things we wouldn’t criticize in others. A curvy body on someone else is considered beautiful, but if we’re the ones in that body, we consider it “fat.” Someone else’s painting, essay, or speech is inspiring, but our work is “not good enough.”

What it takes at the beginning of trying to stop being self-critical is a little embarrassing. It requires some self-distance and a willingness to reject negative thoughts. You have to treat those negative scripts as if they came from somewhere else, from some rude neighbor who never likes anything, for example, and you have to be willing to examine yourself much more objectively, pretending to examine someone else.

For example, when you look in the mirror, your eyes may immediately run to those “flaws” that you have. Spend some time there and try to find something you really like instead. When negative thoughts get in the way, push them away and focus on those gorgeous eyes, the thin shape of your chin, shiny hair, or any feature that brings you pleasure. Tell the mirror: “I like you just the way you are!” This may seem like a crazy tip but this attempt is a start and some find it very difficult to do at first. What you are doing, though, is working on replacing old negative beliefs about yourself with new positive beliefs; you’re writing a new script to replace the one that’s so hard for you.

If you’re trying to stop being self-critical about your performance, your work, or your behavior, take an objective view of things. At first, your mind is likely to immediately sort through all the things you didn’t accomplish, but write down the things you did. Also jot down or jot down the accomplishments of a few things each day that made you feel proud. Remember to think of yourself by the standards by which you would judge others so that you can always find something kind to say or write about yourself.
It’s not exactly easy to stop being self-critical, and it’s especially difficult to let go of negative thoughts. This type of work requires commitment and practice. Along the way, you will make mistakes. We often have the false belief that mistakes are somehow really bad or wrong. Mistakes, as demonstrated by many people who study the brain, aren’t inherently bad, but instead are ways in which we learn. On your way to stopping self-criticism, remember that every mistake gives us a way to stretch and grow, something worthy of praise.

Gradually, as you create a new script and let go of old beliefs that are destructively critical, it becomes easier to dismiss negative “scripts.” Instead of chastising yourself for these thoughts that arise, simply recognize them for what they are, vestiges of the old self-critical you that are now being replaced by a new you that loves you.

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