Advise friend to seek counseling?

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You may have a friend who seems really worried. While you may listen and be understanding, you may find yourself falling short of the job of actually helping. When you see a friend making the same mistakes over and over again, or getting entangled in harmful relationships, or when you witness a friend clearly showing signs of mental illness, it might be time to counsel them to seek counseling. Telling a friend to seek counseling can be extremely challenging. You can risk your friendship, just be ignored on this point, or really piss someone off. There are a few ways to help you do this in the least offensive way possible, but even in the kindest ways, telling a good friend to seek advice doesn’t necessarily translate into that friend taking your advice with grace or gratitude.

Telling friends they need counseling shouldn’t be a statement reflected in a conversation that’s going nowhere. Don’t yell at a friend who frustrates you with their constant bad choices or deep depression. This is not a way to address the issue and will probably only result in an argument.

Instead, plan a time carefully to discuss the matter. It can be helpful to read and research on your own first so that you have information and possibly even articles or books that you can pass on to a friend. For example, let’s say a friend has been in a string of abusive relationships. She always seems to pick people who will hurt her, perhaps putting her life in danger and ultimately putting her self-esteem in jeopardy. Read about why women choose partners who hurt them. You could also make phone calls to local counselors or support groups for these women. Ask them for advice on how to recommend your friend.

Once you’ve gathered the information, pay close attention to how you express this advice. Start by telling your friend how much you care about him and explain your concerns about him a little. Tell them you don’t mind hearing their problems but feel you are not advising them well enough because you are not an expert.

Suggest that your concern led you to do a little research on the topic because you really wanted to help, and that you found Book A, Counselor B, or Support Group C, which you think can actually help them even more than you can. Offer to read the material with them, go to a counselor with them, or attend a group meeting with them. Emphasize that you have prompted them to seek counseling or other methods of help because of your deep concern for them.

You can get a variety of answers when you tell a friend to seek counseling. They might be grateful, but don’t expect it. They may be angry and accuse you of not wanting to listen to their problems anymore. They may look at you as if you are crazy for making such a suggestion. You need to decide if a friend’s situation justifies these possible reactions. If a friend is in dire straits, it may be worth trying the suggestion even if it means annoying, isolating, or angering your friend.
If a friend becomes annoyed, upset, or angry at your suggestion to seek advice, don’t leave the friendship unless it’s having a negative effect on you. Don’t argue with them. Forget the topic, maybe give him a book or article to read and not return to the topic for a few weeks. In a few weeks, pick up the topic again, ask them if they’ve had time to read what you left them, and repeat your offer of support. They may be more willing to listen, or they may shut you down quickly instead.

Ultimately, no person seeks help unless they are willing. This is the uncontrollable aspect of suggesting a friend seek counseling. You can open the door to help methods but you can’t push them further. If your friend remains adamant about not attending counseling and his problems don’t hurt you or your relationships, he remains a good and compassionate listener, as friendship can really make a difference in people’s lives.

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