Tantrums are a normal part of development for children aged one to three, but frequent tantrums in older children may have psychological or physical causes. Tantrums occur when a child is emotionally overwhelmed and unable to articulate their wants and needs. Parents can prevent tantrums by attending to a child’s physical and emotional needs, considering reasonable requests, and giving emotional language to help children express their feelings. Hitting or spanking is not recommended, and parents should remain calm and try to distract or provide a safe space for the child to calm down. After the tantrum, parents should divert attention to another activity and avoid giving in to the problem causing the tantrum. If parents often spank or yell during tantrums, seeking guidance from a professional is recommended.
How to stop tantrums is often controversial. First, a parent or caregiver needs to keep in mind that tantrums are part of development, especially for children between the ages of one and three. They can also occur later. Frequent tantrums in an older child should be investigated for possible psychological or physical causes.
The child experiencing tantrums is usually emotionally overwhelmed. With language skills still being acquired, articulating wants and needs can be difficult. Even children with advanced language skills are still figuring out how to name emotions and what to do with feelings of heightened emotion. This is also the case for some adults, so children aren’t exactly alone here.
Children may throw tantrums when their wishes are opposite, if they get a break from misbehaving, or if they can’t get a caregiver’s attention in any other way. They are more vulnerable to tantrums when they are tired or hungry or when they feel neglected by their parents. Some tantrums can be avoided entirely by attending to a child’s physical and emotional needs before they become a tantrum.
If a child makes a request, parents should consider it before immediately saying no. Many tantrums start when children’s requests are never honored. Reasonable requests should be met, as this gives the child a feeling of control. When a request is unreasonable or cannot be honored, the result can obviously be a tantrum.
Children who throw tantrums do not respond to reasoned explanations of their behavior. Tantrums tend to escalate when the caregiver becomes angry. So keeping calm is very important. At the same time, the parent can make comments that give children emotional language that helps them express their feelings in less negative ways. “I see you are very upset and disappointed that we can’t have a play date today,” might be an appropriate response.
Most child development experts agree that hitting or spanking is not a good response to tantrums. While this can stop a tantrum, it affirms the position that a child can get what he wants by hitting. Future tantrums may include hitting the caregiver or another child. Yelling at the baby is likely to cause the baby to yell again. The goal is to calm and soothe the child before addressing behavioral infractions or issues related to what initiated the tantrums.
Once you have articulated the child’s feelings in a calm way, you may want to have a safe space for the child to throw a tantrum. A short-lived tantrum can usually be ignored when the child is placed in an environment where she cannot destroy property or injure herself. Ignoring tantrums as much as possible teaches the child that he won’t get much attention from this type of expression.
Alternatively, you can try to distract the child. If you notice the first signs of an impending tantrum, introducing a new topic, game, or idea could prevent a tantrum from starting. During a tantrum, this also occasionally works. As tantrums progress, however, distraction is more difficult.
When the tantrums last more than a few minutes, you might approach the child again and tell him you’re there to help him calm down. Some babies will now react to being held and spend some time crying in your arms. If babies are particularly destructive and you fear for their safety, you may need to hold them first. The grip should limit movement, but shouldn’t be so tight that it injures them.
Once the tantrum is over, don’t give in to the problem causing the tantrum. Children who realize that tantrums will achieve their intended purpose will have more tantrums in the future. Instead, divert attention to another activity unrelated to the tantrum. Try not to get mad or stay mad at a tantrum-throwing child. Sometimes it’s very natural to feel angry or upset, but tantrums are for the most part a normal part of development. Your calm handling of tantrums will in most cases help the child develop beyond this state.
Finally, if your child’s tantrum has caused you to spank or scream, you should apologize to your child. If you often spank or yell during a tantrum, you might consider seeking guidance from a parent group, doctor, or therapist, who can help you find ways to control your anger. Chances are, if you can’t learn this control, your child won’t learn it either.
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