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Disciplining another person’s child should only be done as a last resort, and should be done calmly and without aggression. It is important to respect the different rules and standards of each household, and to give parents the opportunity to discipline their own child. When disciplining, state house rules positively and be prepared to explain your actions to the child’s parent.
As a parent, choosing whether to discipline another person’s child is a difficult one. In these cases, discipline shouldn’t refer to spanking, yelling, or any other form of aggressive discipline, but simply a reminder of house rules, or the need to break up an argument between two or more children. You unequivocally have no right to discipline another person’s child in any objectionable way.
There are some times that a parent who has another child in their care needs to step in. Cases of bullying, assault, or violence by someone else’s child need to be addressed, especially when the child’s parent isn’t there to stop the behavior. In these cases, ask a child to stop the behavior in a calm way. You may need to separate arguing children or help an angry child calm down in a quiet room. You should also note what you did when you chose to discipline another person’s child and be prepared to give the parent a full account of what happened and how you responded.
It gets more complicated when you want to discipline another person’s child and the parent is present. In general, unless you expect imminent violence from the child, you should avoid taking over the parental work. If you’re a grandparent or aunt, it may be okay to state the house rules to a child who doesn’t know them. Recognize that especially young children may not realize there is a difference between their house rules and yours, and it is wise not to overstep your authority, especially in family relationships, by disciplining a child in a different way than they would the parents.
Instead of saying “No,” state the house rules positively. If a child is running around the house and this is behavior you don’t allow, you could say, “We only run outside on the grass,” instead of “No running around.” Alternatively, say “We only drink milk in the kitchen” instead of “We don’t drink it in the living room.” You have the right to set reasonable standards for young guests, but you state these in ways that tell the child how to behave, rather than offering a blanket denial.
When you punish another person’s child, the child, who doesn’t understand that the rules can be different from house to house, may question you. This shouldn’t be seen as a challenge or a retort, but can instead open up a dialogue about how the rules change. You could also ask the children if they can think of any house rules in their own home. Such lessons will prove invaluable as children move through different social settings such as preschool, playdates, and elementary school.
When in the presence of the parent whose child’s behavior requires attention, you might say, “It looks like Jack and Tony are about to have a fight. Does each of us take our own child or should one of us take care of it?” Give parents, who may not have noticed potentially challenging behavior, the opportunity to discipline their child, rather than overriding their authority and providing your discipline. If the parent still doesn’t act, the friendship between the two children may not be right.
Any instance where you have to discipline another person’s child should be reasonably short and sweet. Just make a rule or stop a behavior. When the behavior doesn’t stop, acknowledge that there may be a reasonable explanation for this inability. A child with ADHD may not be able to watch a full movie or another child who opens presents at a birthday party.
The situation where it may be necessary to discipline another person’s child often arises at birthday parties. It’s a good idea to steer clear of the issue, especially if you’ve experienced a certain child’s bad behavior in the past, by making sure parents know to accompany their children. Plan some fun things for the adults to do at a child’s birthday party to make the party more appealing.
As a general rule, you should only discipline another person’s child as a last resort. Any disciplinary action should be swift and calm. Recognize that the child is not yours and may have different rules or standards. Also, not all children (or parents) view misbehavior in the same light. Also remember that some children may not be able to perform as well as others, such as children with hyperactivity, and this may not be completely within the child’s control.
