Sending a short, positive, and supportive sympathy note is important, regardless of eloquence. The tradition of sending condolence notes dates back to the 18th and 19th centuries, often on black-edged stationery. Notes can be sent after the funeral or a few weeks later to show support and friendship. A sympathy note should express grief and reassurance, and happy memories can be included. Avoid mentioning sad memories or bad character traits. The note brings comfort to families and helps in the grieving process.
The ideal sympathy note will be short, positive, and supportive of the family. If someone never “knows what to say” on such occasions, “I’m sorry and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers” is enough. The sending of the note is the important part, not the eloquence or lack thereof.
The condolence note has been around for many years, as people generally want to show a friend or loved one that they are remembered in their time of grief. The sympathy note is a civil custom and lasted as long as people expressed their feelings using the written word.
Many customs were formalized in the 18th and 19th centuries, and one was the sympathy note. The note was often sent on black-edged stationery or cardstock, fitting its somber theme. Sometimes they were hand-delivered to homes, but as the mail became more reliable, they were shipped that way as well.
The condolence note can be sent as soon as someone learns of a death, but it can also be sent after the funeral or a couple of weeks afterward. Sometimes the worst part of a death is after all the arrangements have been finalized and the loved one has been memorialized. The shock begins to wear off and people often find the few weeks after the funeral unbearably empty. A note of sympathy at this time may be just the show of support and friendship the bereaved person needs.
A sympathy note doesn’t have to be long, elaborate, or unnaturally eloquent. It may simply express grief over the loss and reassurance that the person is in the sender’s thoughts and/or prayers. If the sender knew the deceased personally, a brief happy memory could be included, such as: “I remember how your mother always baked cookies for us after school and how much she enjoyed it.”
These words bring great comfort to families. They know that their loved one was important to others, and this is vital to getting through the grieving process. Sad memories or bad character traits should never be mentioned in a condolence note. This is the pinnacle of bad taste and borders on cruelty.
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