Dealing with a difficult colleague?

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Dealing with a difficult co-worker can be really miserable and there are many ways co-workers can behave and that could lead to challenges. In almost any scenario where a coworker is difficult, it’s not really possible to change the coworker’s behavior, but it may be possible to spread it through personal behavior changes. These include trying to understand the colleague’s perspective, clarifying boundaries, learning when to refuse and, if necessary, getting administrative help to stop unethical or illegal behavior.

People can be so overwhelmed by their annoyance at a difficult co-worker that they may not see their own part in the equation of a bad work relationship. They may want to “talk to” the coworker so much that they forget to “listen” to that coworker. It’s easy to demonize another person and not acknowledge that they might have some good points or that they might be right at some point. This is why it is important to try to gain some perspective by understanding your colleague, practicing a non-judgmental listening attitude.

With curiosity and setting judgment aside, people might ask themselves, “What does this person need and how does he think?” Occasionally, the answers to these questions point the way to working with the person in the future. You don’t need to take this stance if a co-worker is threatening, discriminating, or abusive, but if he or she is just plain annoying, it’s worth considering what they are saying about the co-worker and about themselves.

Once they gain perspective and a better understanding of the difficult coworker, people also need to look at how they themselves contribute to poor relationships. Very often relationships deteriorate because people don’t know how to set clear boundaries on how to allow others to deal with them. Boundary setting isn’t about yelling at people who violate boundaries. Instead, it is about setting clear boundaries and personal consequences for violating the boundaries.

Setting boundaries is related to being able to refuse, and many people think that if they say no to things, they immediately act negatively. A number of books are written on this subject, but perhaps one of the best is The Power of a Positive Number by William Ury. Ury’s book and others like it can help people learn to confidently refuse, thereby lessening the power of the difficult colleague.

There’s a difference between a difficult co-worker and one who acts illegally, harasses, or threatens. This second group of colleagues is unlikely to respond to setting the limit, saying no and more understanding. When a fellow employee does this, it is always important to involve management. All workers have the right to freedom to work with anyone who threatens or harasses them, and management must take all necessary steps to correct this behavior or fire the employee.

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