Dealing with difficult relatives during the holidays can be stressful, but setting boundaries on what to discuss and limiting time spent with them can help. Accepting that they may not change and finding humor in their behavior can also ease tension. Interacting with children or focusing on meal preparation can distract from difficult relatives. Rewarding oneself after the holidays can provide motivation to overcome challenges.
While the holidays can be a time of great family togetherness, they can also lead to stress when dealing with difficult relatives. In fact, some people find holiday gatherings with family so daunting, they’d choose to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas alone, rather than with a few relatives. There are ways to make the challenge of dealing with difficult relatives a little easier, though it’s rarely completely painless.
One way to rise to the challenge of holiday get-togethers with difficult relatives is to set firm boundaries on what you will or won’t discuss. For example, you may be going through a painful divorce and know that your family will want a detailed account of the marriage and its end. Often such questions can be disseminated by saying something like, “Oh, this is such bad stuff. Today I just want to focus on all the things I’m grateful for,” or “Thanks for asking. I know you will respect my wish to enjoy Christmas (Thanksgiving, Hanukkah), without having to go into all of that.”
You can often spread questions without insulting difficult relatives. When you bring the statement back to your wants and desires, set clear boundaries. Another way to set boundaries is to schedule a specific number of hours to spend with your difficult relatives. You might, for example, choose to spend part of your day volunteering at a shelter and serving other people at Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. This way you minimize exposure to relatives who test your patience.
One problem that compounds the challenges of dealing with difficult relatives is that many people still have an idealized image of what a family should be like. When a family isn’t the Rockwellian image of harmony and happiness, we often hope for a family we’ll never have. Trying to force difficult relatives into a mold they will never fit is stressful and mentally exhausting. It also makes it more difficult to see relatives as they may not live up to your expectations.
It’s best to accept that your difficult relatives probably won’t change, no matter how much you wish they would. Pointing out faults in difficult relatives likely won’t have any effect on their behavior, so choosing not to involve a rude relative can help minimize tension. It also helps to view difficult relatives in a humorous light. If you can see these people trying as somewhat amusing examples of how not to live, your mood might lighten.
If you are a guest, you may be able to soften the impact of difficult relatives by filling your guest list with genuine friends or with relatives you truly respect and honor. This way, your interaction with difficult relatives is divided as you spend more time interacting with people you like.
Another strategy to avoid relative overload is to assist or guide meal preparation. If you prepare an elaborate dinner, your attention in the kitchen may be required on a regular basis. This is one way to minimize contact with difficult people, while still giving your family a good meal.
Interacting with children instead of adults can also be a way to ease the tension caused by difficult relatives. Give the children a board game and play with them during the celebration. Write them a play they can perform for the whole family or teach them a special song. Children usually enjoy being given more attention, and you will be distracted by adults who would otherwise harass you.
Finally, plan a day right after the holidays as a reward for overcoming the holiday challenges. Book yourself a massage, a nice lunch with a friend or a mini break. It can help visualize your reward when difficult relatives are driving you crazy at a family reunion.
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