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Geeks often struggle with dating, but these five basic tips can help. Be confident in your specialized skills and interests, be direct in your communication, be observant of body language and other cues, be curious about the other person, and above all, be honest. Being yourself is the best strategy for finding someone who likes you for who you are.
Let’s face it, almost everyone who is single wishes they could date more successfully. Unfortunately, geeks often need redirection a little more than others. Perhaps this is the result of society’s marginalization of those with specialized skills and interests, or perhaps it is because computers, by nature, breed loneliness. Either way, we at wiseGEEK thought it was time to throw our hats into the ring of fire and help out our fellow geeks.
First things first: These five ideas are pretty basic tips. If they don’t surprise you, then perhaps you should re-examine your need to follow dating advice — it seems like you don’t need to or aren’t listening. If they surprise you, we’re glad you came.
Additionally, there’s a strong possibility that you read through the list of tips below and find yourself thinking, “I can’t do this” or “that’s not me.” One truth that few geeks seem to understand is that for many of these things, just doing it makes you who you are. Like black coffee, it may make you cringe the first time, but the more you drink it, the more you’ll enjoy it. If that doesn’t make you feel better, take the advice of one of the geeks: “Do it or don’t do it. There is no proof.’”
One more small disclaimer before proceeding. These are dating tips. This is not relationship advice and this will not help you if you have other more specific goals.
1. Be confident
Seriously, even if you’re not, pretend you are. Not too much, though, because there isn’t a person on the planet who can’t recognize arrogance as overcompensating for insecurity.
What makes geeks what they are are specialized skills, interests, or hobs. The best thing you can do is trust these things. Be proud of them. Be honest with them. Don’t waste your time worrying about looking like a nerd: A nerd is a nerd who’s insecure about how he spends his time.
One of the biggest pitfalls that geeks are prone to is dodgy comments or jokes. This is a huge no-no. Talking honestly about your deep-seated insecurities or perceived shortcomings is never, under any circumstances, attractive. Just look at Woody Allen. Saying things like “I have really bad hair” or “I’m girl repellant” will only make them more real and leave your interlocutor with nothing but a false statement. Better leave it alone.
2. Be direct
Many have observed that geeks, more than any other type of person, have a tendency to avoid the problem. They become friends, they pine from afar or, in the worst of circumstances, they become stalkers. While we’re certainly advocates of being friends with the one you love, it’s the issue of ambiguity we’re addressing here.
If you’re asking someone out, make sure you use that word. If you have a romantic interest in someone you meet in a chat room, ask them to meet you for real and explain why. Don’t be intimidated by this, because simple, direct language is the easiest to think of: “I’d like to take you out on a date” or “I think you’re cool.” Can I buy you dinner?”
This is important information for geeks who think that going out for coffee is a date. If you said it was a date, it is. If you haven’t, no one knows. You may be wondering if you are on a date and wondering if your attendance status would have been different if you had known ahead of time if it was a date. This condition generates insecurity, misunderstandings and anxiety. Like bad scallops, these things are to be avoided in potentially romantic settings.
3. Be observant
While this skill seems somewhat easier for women, geeks are who they are thanks to their ability to focus and learn. The key here is to understand what you are observing and act accordingly. Looking closely at how someone reacts to you and vice versa can tell you volumes more than listening to their words. Watch, listen, and then believe what you learn, whether it’s good news or bad.
Some hotspots to be aware of:
Body Language: If you’re leaning towards each other, mirroring each other’s posture or getting just a little bit closer, these are all good signs. Read the signs.
Eyes: are you focused on your beer? Is he looking up every time someone passes by your table? Uh oh. Our eyes unconsciously reveal what we’re thinking about: If the person across the table is looking at you, you have their attention and should feel good about it.
Physical Contact: Duh. Touching is good. Spontaneous and unnecessary touching is really good. Avoiding physical contact is an early bedtime.
Voice: Again, it’s not so much what they say as how they say it. Han understands Chewie, Timmy understands Lassie, and everyone seems to understand that Korean kid on Lost. It is the tone, intonation, volume and cadence that tell the real story.
4. Be curious
This is such an important point. Geeks are notoriously good learners, thinkers and problem solvers – why not put it to work in a romantic setting? This takes place in two ways. First, ask about the person. Everyone likes someone who listens to them, so taking an interest in their stories and hobs will help. Don’t feign enthusiasm – find something to be excited about. If you can’t, then what are you doing there, anyway? Second, be upfront about the things you are curious about in your life. Share the things you are learning and thinking about. This is a good way for geeks to gauge whether the person they are interested in is another geek or if they are against geeks.
5. Be honest
Under no circumstances will dishonesty help you. If you need to lie because you think it will help you look cooler, see #1. If you think lying will prevent someone’s feelings from being hurt, you are wrong. Be clear about what you want and honest about what you don’t want. Period.
So that’s it. Simple, straightforward and not as easy as it sounds. The good news is that if you really want to find someone who likes you for who you are, then you have an obligation to really be who you are. There’s no better strategy than being yourself with someone who makes it easy for you to be yourself. If you are hopelessly insecure, self-centered, selfish and selfish, then you need more help than we can offer.
Otherwise, follow the advice of a Jedi master.
