Communicating with controlling parents is not easy, and how to do so depends on the perspective. The answer to this question varies, depending on who is asking the question; a minor will have to face the situation differently than an adult child would.
In all cases, it helps to understand the underlying motivation for control: a need to protect themselves or their children that may be wrapped up in other extremely complex and individual issues. The desire to be safe is often fueled by extraordinary insecurity and anxiety. It is unlikely that children or teachers will be able to convince these parents that they need mental health assistance. Trying in this way can interrupt communication and a critical and negative response to this parent can result in greater efforts by the parent for control.
This situation is very difficult for children in the midst of it. They really only have the choice of getting along, fighting, or secretly challenging their parents, and if they have been truly controlled, they may not have the resources to promote change. Some children begin to notice extraordinary restrictions imposed on their lives when they become teenagers.
At this point, they may have some options. The first would be to talk to an available adult about the situation, such as a teacher, counselor, or pastor. Of great help would be receiving counseling, which may still not significantly improve freedoms or communication. It can help in the respect that the child may gain a greater understanding of the parent’s motivations. Sometimes, a controlling parent opens up to counseling if the child is going, but otherwise, counseling can help a child prepare to make decisions about adulthood.
Adult children of controlling parents may also need therapy. Most likely, they have felt trapped all their lives between meeting their parents’ needs and trying to discover what they are allowed to meet their own needs. Therapy can begin the crucial work of grieving for the fact that the parents were not as good as they should have been, and people can, over time, build resilience and self-esteem, deciding what level of communication they want to maintain with their parents.
For the professional working with controlling parents, the advice is different. It is not a bad idea to chat with the school counselor about how best to approach these parents, but here the goal is to placate them and give them a sense of security so that the children can be more involved in school or other activities. For parents concerned about the safety of their children, for example, a detailed itinerary of a field trip or allowing a worried parent to chaperone can mean that the child can participate.
Teachers can also sympathize with the lack of control. An angry parent about the curriculum might be directed to administrators if the curriculum is planned by the district or state and is not part of the teachers’ lesson plans. Keeping in mind the concern and insecurity of these parents is very helpful.
With greater empathy towards controlling parents, teachers may be able to slightly alleviate concerns and give a child more freedom. Sometimes it may be worth swallowing a bit of personal control that does not make sense if it gives a child greater freedom. Ultimately, it really depends on the degree of parental control, and sometimes it can be very difficult to have meaningful dialogue with this type of parent.
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