Building a good relationship with in-laws takes time and effort. Remember your role in the family dynamics, find common interests, and focus on those in-laws with whom you can build a healthy relationship. Maintain a good relationship with your spouse to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws.
The clichéd presentation of in-laws as obnoxiously crass or overly protective has been used as a comedic device in movies, books, and television for years on end. In reality, many in-laws make sincere efforts to bond with newcomers to their family, even though that bonding process can feel like it moves in a glacial way at times. However, learning to get along with in-laws is often a skill learned over the years, not the weeks or months, after marriage. There are a few important things to keep in mind as you work towards building a good relationship with your in-laws.
First of all, you need to remember your role in your spouse’s family dynamics. You may have dated this person exclusively for several years and believe you shared an intimate relationship, but you weren’t there for the birth of him. You didn’t see his first school play and you weren’t the first on the scene when he fell off his bike. There are family members who have experienced all of these things firsthand and it can be difficult for them to bring others into that circle. If you want to develop a good relationship with your in-laws, never assume that you are the only outside expert when it comes to your spouse’s history. Demonstrate a willingness to let others share their stories.
Another difficult area when dealing with in-laws is discovering the common interest. Many times certain vocations run in families, so much of their life experiences are filtered through their occupations. A family populated by coaches, for example, may find it difficult to relate to a new spouse with an artistic background. It’s not that the in-laws aren’t educated or appreciate the creative arts field, but their life experiences place them on a football or basketball field, not a stage or studio. When lifestyles or vocations seem to clash, it might help to find a neutral area of interest that you and your in-laws share. You may also find ways to incorporate your interests into their comfort zone, such as creating sports-related artwork.
You should remember that in-laws were people long before they became your relatives by marriage. Just like any other interpersonal relationship, there are bound to be some individuals who just don’t mesh well together. To get along with the majority of your new in-laws, you may need to recognize this conflict early and focus your efforts on those in-laws with whom you can build a healthy relationship. Some in-laws honestly accept new additions within months of marriage, but there may be some who stay apart for years. You may be able to determine the source of their displeasure over time, but forging an agreement to disagree may be just as acceptable for the sake of interfamily harmony.
While it can be a challenge to curry favor with all of your in-laws, it’s certainly preferable to live your entire married life looking from the outside. Always keep in mind that you and your family are also in-laws now, so the same rules of engagement should apply. Criticizing your in-laws in front of your spouse or not accepting honest criticism of your relatives’ actions can only lead to bigger problems. You may be your spouse’s romantic partner, but he or she also has siblings and parents who listen very carefully and remember everything. If you want to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws, start by maintaining an even better relationship with your spouse.
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