Divorce is difficult for children to accept, with emotional burdens similar to a death or move. Parents should prepare themselves first and seek advice from counselors, self-help guides, and support groups. Children should be approached at their age level, with reassurance that the divorce is not their fault and honesty about custody arrangements.
Divorce, unfortunately, has become a reality for almost half of marriages celebrated in the United States, but its regularity does not make it easier for children to accept it. Divorce often has the same emotional burden on children as a death in the family or an unexpected move. Preparing a child for the reality of a divorce will never be an easy process for any parent. The fear of causing permanent emotional scars or alienating a child for life is very legitimate, so both parents must agree before discussing divorce with their children.
One of the most important ways to prepare your child for divorce is to make sure you are prepared first. There are a number of self-help guides available that address specific issues relating to children and divorce. Marriage counselors should also be able to give parents first-hand advice on how to break the news to younger children.
Even informal conversations with other divorced couples can be enlightening. Ask specific questions about their first encounters and concerns expressed by their children. There may also be support groups for children of divorced people, who may have some brochures available.
Many parents going through a divorce worry about the psychological and emotional damage their actions will cause a child. The truth is, no matter how carefully you broach the subject or how many euphemisms you use, news stories like this are going to do some emotional damage to children. It can’t be avoided. The good news is that most children are surprisingly resilient and better at coping than we think. Preparing your child for the first divorce discussion can be simply a matter of finding the right time and place.
One way to approach the subject of divorce with a child is to think about their age level. Terms like legal separation, divorce, or custody may seem foreign to a younger child, but a five-year-old understands friendships, arguments, and visits. You might want to explain that mom and dad are trying to be friends, but they need to live in different houses so they can stop fighting. Sometimes you will visit dad and sometimes you will stay with mom. Younger children may not even see these separate visits as anything more than living in two different houses.
Another difficult issue surrounding divorce is a sense of responsibility. Older children who have witnessed parental quarrels may feel a certain amount of personal responsibility. If they hadn’t been born or if they hadn’t asked for so many toys or whatever, mom and dad wouldn’t have fought so much about money.
As a parent, you’ll need to reassure older children that the mom-dad issues aren’t their fault. Apologize for anything a child may have accidentally overheard during a heated argument. As painful as a divorce can be, witnessing multiple years of physical or emotional abuse can be even more damaging to a child.
Above all, be as honest with your child as possible about your impending divorce. He explains the terms of custody in plain language: “You’ll be living in this house with me for the school year and Dad will pick you up on Friday night to stay at his house for the weekend. During the summer you can stay at my house or at dad’s. Sometimes you’ll spend Christmas with me and sometimes you’ll spend Easter at Dad’s house.’ Children often want to hear about things that will stay the same for them, such as school attendance and participation in sports or other interests.
There may be other difficult issues related to divorce that require significant sensitivity. If one parent is denied custody rights, the other parent may need to carefully discuss the matter with a child. You might say, “I know you miss seeing mom, but she’s not healthy right now and she needs to heal before she can see you.” Supervised visits can be a stressful time for both parents and children, so you may need to explain why that nice lady has to be in the room when your child is spending time with dad. Younger children can often cope with simpler explanations, so remember to stay at their level and answer their questions honestly.
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