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Consistency, leading by example, and helping children understand what is polite behavior are key to raising a polite child. Teaching basic phrases like “please” and “thank you,” involving children in sending thank-you notes, and modeling good table manners are effective strategies. Gentle reminders and avoiding shaming behaviors are important. Children may learn at different ages or stages, and some may struggle due to factors beyond their control.
Learning how to raise a polite child is about consistency, teaching by example, and helping children understand what constitutes polite behavior. It is almost always the case that the unkind parent does not have a well-mannered child, as you are the example for your child. It’s important to remember that children need reminders, not shaming behaviors or angry parents (who aren’t polite) to learn skills that will cause others to celebrate their manners.
Perhaps one of the best things to teach a child first is the basic phrases, please and thank you. While some parenting experts suggest never adding “please” when asking a child for something, it can be helpful to do so when teaching them. Likewise, when a child is doing something enjoyable, thanking them is a natural follow-up. Children can learn early on how good it is to be thanked and to want to act in a way that inspires their parents’ gratitude (at least some of the time), and they can also learn that “please” is greeted with great kindness.
When the children have mastered these two simple phrases, you can start teaching other polite ways of behavior. For example, if you think it’s polite to send thank-you notes for gifts, involve the children in this process. If they are too young to write, they may be able to dictate and help you annotate your mail. They could sign their name or put a decorative sticker on a thank-you card. This behavior can become routine so that the well-mannered child knows that a gift always deserves a thank you note.
Table manners are another issue involved in raising a well-mannered child, and these are very difficult to teach if you don’t have family meals. Keep in mind that the meal can be breakfast or lunch if your schedule doesn’t allow for dinner. Keep children’s ages and development in mind when teaching them good table manners. A three or four year old is expected to be a little messy and may not be old enough to handle a fork or knife with ease.
Try to work on one thing at a time instead of cramming dinner with comments about etiquette and behavior and pointing out any weaknesses in the child. These things take time to learn and are often absorbed by your display of unparalleled table manners. It is rude, especially in front of guests, to point out small slips of rudeness in the behavior of your children. Instead, you could give them a whispered warning or, if the paper is too big to ignore, remind them how “we do it.” For example: “Billy, we always keep the spoons out of the glasses at the table.”
A child included in social events is more likely to learn to be an educated child, especially when these events include a mix of all ages. Don’t expect a group of kids to teach your child manners, but instead expect blended family gatherings and the opportunity to interact with people of all ages to help you. As your educated child matures, give him more chances to try out skills at different events or parties, trips to museums, ballets, movies, and the like.
Children need to learn many things to be educated, and not all children are ideal for learning things at the same age or stage. Remember that when children are young, they are trying to absorb all the knowledge in the world and will benefit from gentle reminders and your polite and consistent behavior towards them. Some children fail to master some of the basics for reasons beyond their control.
A child with hyperactivity may not be able to sit down for an hour-long dinner. Find ways to change or vary this child’s routine and don’t call attention to behaviors she can’t control yet. It is likely that the child already knows the polite way to act, but is simply not developmentally ready to act this way. Shaming a child rarely translates into a well-behaved child.
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