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Narcissism in relationships can cause physical and psychological distress, with the entire relationship revolving around the narcissist’s wants and needs. Narcissists demand unconditional love and may use passive-aggressive tactics or violence to maintain control. Treatment is available, but the narcissist must be willing to change.
The effect of narcissism on relationships is well documented in the psychological literature. Most people in a loving relationship, especially a romantic one, accept a certain amount of give and take between the participants. With narcissists, there is no gift; their self-obsession means that the entire relationship revolves around them and their wants or needs. People involved with narcissists will typically show symptoms of both physical and psychological distress, or eventually leave them for their own protection. There is a treatment for both sides, but the narcissist must show a real commitment to change for it to be effective.
Pathological narcissism is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as a personality disorder in which people have an extreme fixation with themselves. This disorder is found more often in men than in women and affects between 2% and 15% of the overall population. A flimsy self-esteem is protected by an inflated sense of self-importance, and narcissists are usually convinced that they are always right. They will do anything to get what they want no matter how others feel.
Narcissism in romantic relationships can be devastating. Usually narcissists charm their partners at first, but more insidious traits can emerge later on. They demand unconditional love on their terms and will withdraw affection when crossed. They may seek out partners who have similar abandonment issues as theirs, so that they won’t leave them, no matter how poor their behavior is. Substance abuse, promiscuity, and other self-soothing behaviors can surface when they feel threatened or bored.
People with this disordered thinking are usually not interested in seeking long-term partners. The effect of their narcissism on relationships results in a focus on short-term pleasure in the form of sexual alliances, without any real attachments. Commitment isn’t valuable to them unless it has some sort of selfish motive. They are restless and are always looking for the next meeting. This causes jealousy and anxiety in their partners, who then have to make a decision whether to go or stay.
One of the most visible effects of narcissism on relationships is domestic violence, when narcissists hurt their partners physically or emotionally. Instead of physical harm, some of them use passive-aggressive tactics to undermine their partners’ self-esteem, prevent abandonment and uphold the narcissist’s grandiose self-view. Because of the narcissist’s abandonment issues, leaving an abusive relationship is extremely risky for the abused partner.
Children of narcissistic parents may not get the affirmation they need to develop empathy for others and could end up that way. Conversely, some researchers think the self-esteem movement, with its intense focus on exclusively positive reinforcement, may be to blame. The effects of narcissism on relationships can be lifelong, but treatments with psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and medication for the underlying depression can help. The narcissist must be willing to make a change for therapy to be effective.
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