Setting boundaries in personal relationships?

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Setting boundaries in personal relationships can be hard work. Especially if you’ve previously acted in ways that violated your limits, enforcing new limits could be especially challenging. If you act differently than you normally would, this can be stressful, cause of guilt or loneliness. However, continuing to fail to meet your needs is also uncomfortable and stressful. So setting boundaries can ultimately lead to better personal relationships.

First of all, you need to decide what your limits really are and ask yourself how reasonable those limits are. You have to delve into your core truths and decide which boundaries are the most important and which ones are tired and don’t really belong to you.

This may require some serious self-scrutiny on your part, but it’s best to really investigate which boundaries matter most. Once you’ve decided which boundaries are important, you can hand a set of rules to someone else you’re in a relationship with. Knowing where you stand allows you to clearly set boundaries, without anger or aggression.

For example, you might actually hate tickling. Perhaps this feels like an infringement on your being in some way, or makes you feel helpless. Yelling “Don’t tickle me” isn’t really about setting boundaries. Instead, understanding how this behavior from a guy or girl makes you feel allows you to make an “I” statement, like the following. “I don’t really like being tickled. It makes me feel worried (helpless, out of control). In the future, I will leave the room (house, apartment), if you tickle me.”

By making an “I” statement, you are clearly setting boundaries, which cannot be perceived as an attack on the other person. The next task is to enforce the limit. You can’t force another person to respect your boundaries, but you can communicate through your actions. If the person keeps tickling and you do nothing, you’re not really setting boundaries.

If a person tries to tickle you again, your response is to remind them of the edge, and then maybe walk away from the situation. Once you set boundaries, anyone who chooses to break them surely doesn’t have your best interests at heart. A reminder or two may be warranted, but allowing someone to ignore your boundaries indefinitely is really just creating self-harm.

Setting boundaries is often difficult because we don’t like saying no to people. We want people to love us and we fear what will happen if we say no or ask someone not to expect something from us. Remember that once you’ve clearly set boundaries in relationships, people can only violate them with your permission.

Setting boundaries involves self-affirmation, and most importantly an affirmation that you matter. A person who does not love himself will find it very difficult to set boundaries. Learning to love yourself is not a day’s work. Talk therapy can often be essential in garnering the self-esteem that will allow you to practice setting boundaries.

Also, in order to successfully set boundaries, you also need to respect the boundaries set by others. Reaching agreements about setting boundaries and respecting each other’s boundaries can improve a relationship. Bringing up problem areas in a non-aggressive, non-accusatory way can open up a personal relationship to the possibility of greater intimacy.

Persistent disrespect for clearly defined boundaries suggests a callous disregard for your feelings. Reinforce boundaries by remembering, abandoning, or minimizing contact with those who cannot accept your boundaries. Forging new personal relationships with those who can respect your boundaries can boost your self-esteem and prove more fulfilling in the long run.

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