Setting boundaries in relationships is important for both happiness and well-being. Fear of upsetting others can lead to resentment and fractured relationships. Acknowledging your own desires as valid and important, speaking out loud, and making compromises can help reset boundaries. Over time, it becomes easier to say no and strengthen relationships based on mutual respect.
Every healthy relationship, whether romantic, friendly, or professional, requires a certain amount of give and take. Occasionally, you might have to spend a Saturday afternoon at your boyfriend’s intramural basketball game when you’d rather be lounging on the couch with a book, or spend a few extra hours finishing a project your boss has assigned you instead of going out to the movie. Trouble creeps in, however, when you find yourself constantly suppressing your desires to please others. Learning to set boundaries in relationships is crucial to both your happiness and the well-being of those relationships. While this process may be uncomfortable and even scary at first, with practice it will likely become easier to maintain balanced relationships while saying yes to yourself.
The inability to set boundaries in relationships is often caused by fear. You’re probably often asked to do something by a romantic partner, friend, or co-worker. In some cases, you may prefer not to do these things, but you worry that saying no might hurt that person’s feelings, make them angry, or cause them to reject you. To prevent these negative reactions, say yes when you want to say no.
While this fear instinct is natural, consistently obeying can lead to you feeling taken advantage of, causing resentment that, over time, can fracture your relationships. Instead of automatically limiting your needs to make others happy, you should set boundaries in relationships. This process involves considering the needs of others by acknowledging your own desires as valid and important, speaking out loud, and finally making compromises.
For example, your friend might ask you to watch her daughter on Saturday nights so she can go out to dinner with her husband. While you’re happy to do so, she later begins asking you to babysit with increasing frequency and you soon find that you’re routinely giving up on your plans to help her. Often you want to refuse her requests and you even start to feel used, but you are afraid that saying no will upset her.
In this situation, you fail to recognize that your plans are as good as your friend’s and as a result, you abolish the boundaries of your relationship. To reset these boundaries, start by understanding that your right to happiness is just as important as that of the people around you. Then, he speaks. The next time your friend calls a basitter, politely let her know that you have plans, but that you’re happy to look after her child when you can. As you’ve always said yes in the past, it’s very likely that she didn’t even notice that she was bothering you.
It can take some time to believe in the validity of your wishes. Plus, making those wishes can be scary, particularly if you’re used to automatically pleasing others. As you push yourself through these steps, however, your self-esteem will likely increase, and it will become easier to say no over time. In fact, you’ll likely find that setting boundaries in relationships doesn’t lead to the rejection and anger you once feared. Rather, it will lead to strengthened relationships based on a healthy dose of mutual respect.
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