What’s passive-aggressive?

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Passive-aggressive means that a person finds ways to express themselves vicariously so they don’t have to admit how they really feel or think. Typically, the term is associated with feelings of repressed anger, but more generally it refers to being untruthful about any emotion or desire (passivity) and retaliating against frustrations resulting from an inability to be honest (aggression). Professionals think that, for the most part, doing this is a coping mechanism that an individual learns over time. With a lack of honesty that could lead to problems such as conflict in relationships and self-doubt, it is usually beneficial for a person to try to stop the behavior in some way, such as by practicing “I” language.

Symptoms and examples

What a person does when passive-aggressive can vary quite a lot, because the relationships involved determine to some extent what type of retaliation an individual believes will work best. Even so, some common symptoms that psychologists and psychiatrists recognize are blaming others, being very late, avoiding or ignoring, procrastinating, failing to communicate, and being ambiguous when speaking or in writing. These signs indicate that an individual is not happy, even if he does not come out openly and admit it.

For example, an employee may be assigned work that they do not want to do or that they feel is unfair. Rather than telling his boss that he’d rather not do the job, he might eagerly accept it to save face with the company. Later, he might fail to deliver documents by an assigned due date, show up late to project meetings, or pretend not to have received messages.

In a more domestic setting, a partner who hates folding laundry might agree to do it if their significant other asks for help. However, she may be waiting until the clothes are cold and wrinkled to do this, or she may be putting them away in the wrong places. Here, the partner doesn’t want to say no because she doesn’t want to cause strain in the relationship, but she will perform the task substandard so that he won’t be asked to do it again.

Consequences

When someone exhibits this type of behavior, the person manipulating could end up feeling frustrated, angry, sad, or betrayed. Tension often develops in the relationship, which can lead to conflict. If the manipulated person says harsh words or ends the friendship, the passive-aggressive individual may feel that his fears about loss or having to hide her true heart are well founded, creating a cycle. The real problems behind the behavior may never be resolved.

Origine e cause

Psychiatrists, psychologists, and others who study human behavior generally believe that the ability to assert oneself is somehow innate. A baby, for example, instinctively cries to be held, changed, or fed. Over time, however, people essentially can be trained not to speak truthfully. A child might learn not to ask for anything, for example, if his parents routinely respond to his requests by saying that he is being selfish. The problem is, this doesn’t stop a person from having special needs or wants—it just makes it hard to be honest.
Role as a coping or defense mechanism
Although some experts say that a passive-aggressive person really enjoys frustrating other people, given how the behavior is thought to develop, other professionals say it’s best to view this type of action as a basic defense mechanism. From this point of view, an individual might act this way because he is honestly afraid of what will happen if he asserts himself in the way he really wants to. He might not like to be indirect, but he still is because he thinks he will lose something valuable, such as a relationship, if he says what he thinks.

The behavior of soldiers during World War II supports the coping mechanism theory. People in the military shirked their duties, but they did so in ways that weren’t outright disobedient. In general, they saw what they were doing as an easy way to avoid being killed in combat, but the leaders knew that safety depended on discipline and confidence that soldiers would follow their orders. They sent a bulletin to the soldiers addressing their actions: it was in this document that the term “passive-aggressive” allegedly first appeared.
Inclusion as a mental disorder
The American Psychiatric Association does not formally recognize passive aggression as a personality disorder. In its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, the APA instead identifies it as in need of further study. It is not yet clear what, if any, environmental or genetic factors play a role in its development. With the exact cause still under debate as of 2013, professionals generally don’t use drugs to address the problem, although they do sometimes prescribe substances for the symptoms it can cause, such as depression or anxiety.

Solve the problem
The view of many contemporary psychiatrists and psychologists is that because passive-aggressive behavior might be a bad habit that is learned, a person might as well be able to learn to stop acting this way. However, this is not easy to do, as strong emotions usually motivate dishonesty. Being expressive and starting to tell the truth usually requires someone to admit and directly address what has caused them to feel limited. Doing this can be quite painful and time consuming for some people. In some cases, occupational therapy helps overcome underlying personal issues.
One of the simplest yet most effective ways to stop being passive-aggressive is to practice using the “I” language. He might say “I feel that…” or “I think…” during his conversations, for example. This type of speech forces a person to own their thoughts and emotions, admitting and expressing them instead of keeping them inside.
Another technique that sometimes works is asking friends and family to observe the behavior and to say something when it occurs. Sometimes, the passive-aggressive person needs to be very specific about what to look for, because they may manipulate differently in every relationship. Those who point out instances of the problem should generally approach their assignment tactfully, because the individual they are helping may still be sensitive to their tendency to manipulate.
Other ways someone can cope and change their course of action include journaling, insistence on small ways like wanting to change the menu at a restaurant, and role-playing to practice conflict resolution and compromise. Individuals might also consider videotaping themselves or using digital voice recorders to become more aware of their physical and verbal language. They can decide to only say what they really mean and not use sarcasm as well.

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