Sibling rivalry is a natural competition between siblings for parental attention and recognition. Factors such as birth order, personality, and grandparent favoritism can influence it. Parents can reduce it by spending alone time with each child, modeling healthy competition, and treating siblings fairly. Excessive rivalry can be addressed with family counseling.
Sibling rivalry describes the competitive relationship between siblings. Often the competition is the result of a desire for more attention from the parents. However, even the most conscientious parents can expect to see sibling rivalry at play. Children tend to naturally compete with each other not only for parental attention, but also for recognition in the world.
There are many things that can influence and shape sibling rivalry. A grandparent who favors one grandchild over another is just as likely to influence siblings’ behavior with each other, as is parental treatment. Birth order is also a factor. No child can fully understand introducing a new baby into the home, and even older children may be upset by this. The feeling of being replaced or supplanted is often a cause of jealousy on the part of the older brother.
A child’s personality can also have an effect on how much sibling rivalry will occur in a home. Some children seem to naturally accept change, while others may be naturally competitive and display this nature long before a sibling enters the home.
Studies show that children from an early age may be able to show self-awareness and sense the difference in treatment between themselves and a sibling. This can be complicated when a baby is quite small because she cannot understand, for example, the mother’s need to breastfeed a baby or to pick him up whenever she cries. Suddenly, a one-year-old feels that the baby is now mum or dad’s favorite, and this first impression can shape a lifelong relationship with the younger sibling.
Studies have also shown that the greatest sibling rivalry tends to be shown between brothers and the least between sisters. There are of course exceptions to this rule, and a brother/sister or sister/sister relationship can be just as controversial, if not more so, than a brother/brother relationship.
Early explanations of sibling rivalry include the Freudian. Freud saw sibling rivalry as a consequence of the Oedipus complex. Just as boys vied with their fathers for their mothers’ attention, so brothers naturally vied for attention. The term, sibling rivalry, was not actually introduced until 1941 and was part of an explanation by David Levy of the natural response to introducing a new baby into the home.
While it is impossible to completely defeat sibling rivalry, it can be reduced by parental action. The most important thing is to make sure you have alone time with each child and also invest in time spent together as a whole family. Children who have a strong sense of being part of a family are likely to see siblings as an extension of themselves.
Encouraging competition, especially when the goal is to win, can lead to sibling rivalry. Instead, parents who can model healthy competition, where participation is the object, are likely to have children who feel less quarrelsome.
Parents can often form a closer bond with a child who is more like them or their spouses. This can result in preferential treatment, which almost always results in extreme sibling rivalry or a sibling with extremely low self-esteem. Parents should work hard to find out what wonderful things exist about the child that is not the favorite.
Parents might do well to remember that sibling rivalry today could lead to siblings being cut off from each other one day when the parents are gone. Continuing to encourage family togetherness, treating siblings fairly, and using family counseling to help stop sibling rivalry that is excessive can ultimately serve children well into their adulthood.
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