When can kids start dating?

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Parents often wonder when children should be allowed to date, and this is a complex judgment that can be influenced by cultural practice, religious beliefs, and simply parental values. A lot comes down to considering whether you allow your kids to date, at what age, and also how you define dating. Some parents have a set age in mind and feel that children shouldn’t be able to date until then. Others factor in their children’s maturity and what is meant by a “date,” while others ask that children only be allowed to go on dates if they’ve met certain requirements or safety standards.

Some parents argue that kids can date when asked or ask someone out, but research suggests setting some restrictions on age, type of dating, and level of supervision. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, for example, recommends that children should only date if you know their date, perhaps know the date’s family, and make sure your teen understands some dating rules. Such rules could include the following:

1. Your child should be able to call you at any time to be picked up from a date.
2. No dating is okay when someone, your child’s date, or another person is using alcohol or drugs.
3. Your child is fully aware that only he or she has the right to refuse any level of intimacy your date suggests, whether it’s holding hands or having sex.
4. You expect your child to abide by the rules regarding staying where the date will take place and returning home at the indicated time.
5. Your child pledges never to get into a vehicle operated by someone who has used alcohol or drugs, even if that person insists that it is “okay” to drive.

It’s also important to consider when children should be allowed to date in order to set some rules about the types of dates children can have. For example, you may prefer that a child only “date” by having a friend at your home who you can drop by, or you may want to make sure that the child date is willing to provide the same level of awareness if your child is at his or her date’s home. Knowing a child’s date and the date’s family before the child goes somewhere alone with this person is a good idea.

You may reach a middle ground where you allow group dates, double or triple dates or more, instead of allowing “solo” dates, or alternatively when your child wants to attend a school-sponsored activity that has some characteristics of integrated security. For example, you may think that 13 or 14 year olds are too young to date, but you may have no problem attending a dance held in a school where there is maximum accompaniment and no ability to leave the dance until is not finished.

It might also be a good idea to decide on “dates” on a case-by-case basis. You may not have a problem with a child dating someone who is a year or two older, but you may have major problems with your 14-year-old boyfriend dating an 18-year-old. Continue to evaluate the relationships that children form and look for problems such as a child who is in an abusive relationship, which is not at all uncommon in teen dating.

In all cases read a little, consider your child’s maturity and what he is actually defining as dating. For a 12-year-old, “dating” might mean attending a school dance and talking on the phone a lot. For a 16-year-old date it can mean something very different. Whatever you decide, and especially if your rules are strict, expect your child to call you strict and not be friendly with your attitude. That’s okay, as many therapists like to state. Your role for your child is first and foremost to be the parent and set the rules, even when they’re unpopular.

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