Parents should talk to their children about sex early and often, using age-appropriate language and information. Children should be taught about their private parts and that they have the right to say no to inappropriate touching. Providing accurate information can help children make good choices about sexual behavior and avoid sexual predators. Encouraging questions and correcting misunderstandings can help guide children according to family values.
All parents must decide when to tell children about gender, how old children should be, and exactly how much information needs to be imparted. Talking about “birds and bees” can be uncomfortable for many parents, and knowing when and where to start can be difficult. Additionally, parents often not only want to talk to children about the mechanics of sex, but also usually want to impart their own value system to help children make good choices about sexual behavior.
Many experts suggest that you should talk about sex with your kids early on, but that these early talks should be age-appropriate and cover only a small amount of information. Additionally, some experts suggest that private parts should be referred to by their proper names instead of nicknames even with young children (for example, two or three years old). This is important, they suggest, as it can make later discussions about sex less uncomfortable. Correctly naming body parts can help children clearly understand which parts are considered “private.”
Experts also note that it is necessary to let children know, at a fairly early age, that they own their private parts and not allow others to touch them inappropriately. When you talk to kids about sex, giving them information that can help them avoid sexual predators, you can empower them to tell you if anyone takes license with their bodies.
Almost invariably, children may show curiosity about where babies come from or, perhaps every parent’s nightmare, they may run into their parents in the act. Again, when this happens, instead of making sex a taboo topic, providing a basic, age-appropriate explanation may be the best answer. For example, when you are discussing sex with children when they are still quite young, between the ages of five and eight, you should probably keep your explanations simple. You can use pictures or books if they are useful for you. Encourage the children to ask questions, but also remind them that everyone learns these things at different ages. Emphasize when discussing sex with children that home is the best place to ask questions and get information, as not all children will know the same thing at the same time.
Regardless of where you live, where your children go to school, or what your religious orientation is, it’s true that kids tend to discuss sex in school, even in first grade. The problem is that children are often misinformed and their peers may further admonish them not to tell anyone about their arguments. It therefore makes sense to use a gradual process of informing children along the way, so when questions arise in school, your child will trust you enough to ask. When sex is shrouded in mystery, they are less likely to talk to their parents as both children and teenagers.
The median age of first sexual experience in the United States is 16.5 years. This is an average figure, meaning some kids may be having sex as early as 11 or 12, and others will wait until they’re adults. You can reasonably expect kids to be aware of other kids having sex by the time they’re in the fifth or sixth grade. If you talk to children about sex early and often, learning about another child’s sexual experience can be a way to assert moral authority and to teach the values about sexual activity that you want to teach. Children will be exposed to conflicting values; so continuing to encourage questions will help guide your children according to your family values.
In general, being open to children asking a lot of questions, providing age-appropriate information as needed, and helping to correct children’s misunderstandings may be the best approach. If the topic is really too much for you to discuss, talking to your child’s pediatrician, church group, or school administrators can provide some helpful advice. When talking to kids about sex, avoiding shame-based judgments about questions can avoid an otherwise quick path to ending conversations for good. Instead, keeping an open mind and trying to remember that kids are usually curious and often get the wrong information, might be the best thing you can do for your kids.
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