Women may return to abusive relationships due to fear of more serious abuse, protecting their children, lack of resources, low self-esteem, blame from family and friends, and manipulation from the abuser. Support and access to organizations can help them leave for good.
From an outsider’s perspective, it’s nearly impossible to understand why a woman would return to an abusive relationship. While it seems logical for a woman to maintain her independence after dealing with the problem of leaving, there are many things that could also compel her to return. Fear is one of the main reasons people return to their abusers.
Often, abusive men escalate their threatening and manipulative behavior soon after their victims choose to leave. As a result, many women fear more serious abuse if they refuse to return. The situation becomes even more complicated when there are children involved, as many women fall back on the belief that doing so is the only way to protect their children. Many women try to act as human shields, sacrificing themselves to prevent abusive partners from harming their children.
Sometimes, the abuser can play on the woman’s love for her children, convincing her that she cannot support them on her own. The abuser may also play on the woman’s desire for her children to have a father by convincing her to return to him. Even when a woman stands by her commitment to leave an abusive relationship, the legal system sometimes fails her by not granting a restraining order or giving the abuser custody of the children.
Sometimes, through abuse, a woman’s self-esteem is so damaged that she lacks the confidence to maintain independence from her abuser. Women who leave abusive relationships often find it difficult to earn an adequate income or find safe and affordable housing. Women may feel compelled to return to the relationship because they lack resources and support.
Sometimes, family members and friends of an abused woman blame her, perhaps because they assume that she somehow caused the abuse. In some cases, the woman’s family and friends may act as if the abuse is bearable or deny her existence altogether. If the abused woman is married, her friends and family may try to persuade her not to divorce, often on the grounds of religion.
In some cases, women return to their abusers because they feel sorry for them. A common tactic that abusers use to control their partners is the threat of suicide. This can lead to the victim feeling both guilty and worried, and may return to the relationship to save the abuser. Just as often, abusers manage to convince their victims that they love them and are committed to change. Some women really want to believe the abuser and hope for real change.
According to statistics, the average abused woman leaves her abuser seven to eight times before he finally leaves. Victims of abuse often live in a state of fear, confusion, and overwhelming sadness. To make a successful and permanent separation from an abuser, a woman needs support and easy access to organizations dedicated to helping victims. With this support and the knowledge that the abuse will continue if they return, many abused women are able to leave abusive relationships for good.
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